#i get really embarrassing and cringey about my love for Florence Welch

[the-lady-writes-what]

How did you find out that you're a lesbian? /gen you don't have to answer this if it makes you uncomfortable

TLDR at the bottom if this essay is too much

It's not an uncomfortable question at all. Thank you for asking. So me coming out as lesbian is a really long story about 30 years in the making. I guess I was socially programmed into thinking I was straight for most of my life by the outside world. I didn't grow up in a religious household or anything but at the same time I didn't have any understanding of gay, straight, bi, pan, etc. I did, however, grow up in the 90's and early 2000's where LGBTQ+ presentation wasn't, you know, great. I was conditioned by the media around me, which was cis het (and mostly white) 99.9% of the time, to think that straight and me being straight was what everyone was doing and normal with no deviations whatsoever.

Flash forward to my high school years, more specifically sophomore and junior year. I tended to have a lot of boy crushes and looking back on it now, I'd say it had more to do with seeking male attention and validation because of Daddy Issues. This was now the early 2010's where there was this trend with everyone and their weird aunt coming out as bisexual. I had this friend who I used to be close with and I thought I had feelings for her on a romantic level. Having no real established knowledge or understanding of what bisexual meant or being queer or gay, I just went with it. Add into the mix a heady mixture of teenage hormones, emotionally unfulfilled home life, and religion, and you have a disaster. By the time I was a sophomore, I had converted to Catholicism of my own free will and ironically because of a lesbian. Trying to be "good" Catholic and having a girlfriend conflicted, so I broke it off. In retrospect, that might have been a good thing because this friend developed a codependency on me and stalked me on Facebook a couple times after I ended the friendship when one too many lies and inconsistencies became too much for me to handle (and also because she was not the emotional support I needed).

Between high school graduation and college, I dated a number of people. I had three romantic partners, one boyfriend and two partners who later came out as transwomen. Between all that time, I kinda hated myself. I would date someone for a few months and then break up because of something I couldn't define. I was there in the present, but couldn't see a future with that partner. I felt like something was wrong with me and my sexuality was broken. In my early 20's, I discovered asexuality and thought "oh. maybe this is why the way I am." Asexuality became my identity. Dating and sleeping with men no longer was a priority for me. Aside from this one partner who I dated off and on for about...10 years, I didn't feel the need to date men. I eventually stopped being Catholic around 2019 and then COVID happened.

I spent 2020-2021 doing a lot of introspection. I noticed things that I hadn't before about my behavior and reactions when socializing with the same or opposite gender. I realized that it has always been easier for me to talk to women than men, and not just because of my issues with my dad. Oh. Okay, then. Maybe I'm asexual but have romantic feelings for women and men? I can date women if I wanted to, I don't have to sleep with them. And over the next couple years more and more pieces of the puzzle fell into place. I started reading wlw fantasy books. I've always been excited to see two people or two characters of every persuasion find love. I love love. But when I read "The Tiger's Daughter" by K. Arsenault Rivera and "The Jasmine Throne" by Tasha Suri, I felt a deeper connection to those romances on an emotional level. It was something deeper than being excited about love, it was something more akin to longing, as in "wow. i wish i could have that." This was not the same response I have to cis het couples.

Then, I had to look back on my interests. I realized that most of the men I lusted after were all fictional. Shouta Aizawa, Sesshomaru, Hawks, Loki, etc, none of them were real. I never thought about a male celebrity in that light. High school crushes are very different from having adult feelings, so I can say that I've never had the same feelings for men in the same way I have for Aizawa. There's only been one or two exceptions to the rule, but I've never imagined actually sleeping or falling in love with Tom Hiddleston. He's just very good looking and I like Loki. How I talk about male celebrities I like for their looks and female celebrities is very different.

Example

Tom Hiddleston: Wow. He's super handsome.

Markliplier (youtuber): Wow. He's super handsome, funny, AND he has a great personality. His girlfriend is so lucky.

Florence Welch, existing:

Me: Beautiful. Amazing. Talented. Stunning. Goddess, I worship at your feet. I want to drink from the same cup of wine that graced your lips and dance with you at midnight under the full moon....

You get the picture.

There are other examples that I looked at. Interest in Greek mythology especially anything to do with goddesses or female characters (of course, Artemis was my favorite, because GAY, though i have moved on to Athena and Aphrodite). I was always more interested in female characters in books. Lack of interest in sex with cis men. My favorite poem is "The Goblin Market" by Christina Rossetti, which has some very queer/lesbian undertones for a Victorian poem. I have a strong aversion to resembling as a male stereotypes, though I'm still trying to work on being less aggressive. The list is probably longer than this. Oh, and I have a Pinterest board made up of 581 and counting pictures of Florence Welch, and there is no heterosexual explanation for that.

All this came to a head in November and December last year. I had been discussing this with my friend (who I had also dated before she came out as trans) and my sister, who is a decent ally. In December 2022, I had no other choice but to admit to myself that after 30 years that I was not at all straight. The problem was that I had to wait to come out until a little later because at the time my uncle was very sick and died a week before Christmas. Coming out of the closest last year as soon as I realized it was not a good idea. I came out to my sister and my friend in January and I've been getting used to the identity ever since. Sorry this is a fucking biography but I tend to be very verbose and take a long time to explain anything.

TLDR: American society conditioned me into thinking I was straight for most of my 30 yrs of life, but that was incorrect because women are pretty and I'm in love with Florence Welch.